


To All The Boys I’ve Tolerated Before

by hypegirl (orphan_account)



Category: NCT (Band), NCT Dream
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - To All the Boys I've Loved Before Fusion, Awkwardness, ChenJi, Crack, Gay, Hatred, Help, High School, I cant tag or write, Inspired by To All The Boys I've Loved Before, Light Angst, M/M, Misanthrope?, NCT Dream - Freeform, Noren, OT7, PG, Renle, Sad, but happy, chensung - Freeform, everyone is gay but mark who is yet to discover that bisexuality is a thing, fainting- lmao, here come dat boi chenel, jiren?, jisung im quirky lol love me please, lonely, man i’m whipped, markhyuck, markren????, nomin, norenmin, one very long kiss scene, renhyuck, renjun is anGsty, renjun needs help, renmin, rip mark my boy, stan dreamies, stan nct, stan superm, taeten - Freeform, tatbilb, ten and winwin are the wingmen we need but don’t deserve, that’s a long ass ride, this is so weird, to all the boys i’ve loved before, weird relationships, well mostly, yuwin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2019-09-20
Packaged: 2020-10-24 22:30:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 6,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20713589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/hypegirl
Summary: Huang Renjun has a good life. He’s the stereotypical Student-Council-President-Slightly-Bossy-But-Still-Admired kinda kid.Most people wouldn’t expect Renjun to be slowly killing himself. Even he has no idea. Sicheng, being the All Knowing Big Brother, decides to take matters into his own hands.Renjun’s deepest secret is his letters. 6 of them total. He’s never told anyone, so when they all get sent, he kind of breaks down.Kind of.Honestly, he’s always believed that he was too smart for a relationship. How long will it take for Renjun to fix himself?The NCT x TATBILB fic no one asked for.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y’all this is my longest work yet and i won’t be writing a ton of notes in here just so you know i didn’t proofread this we die like men- but i hope y’all enjoy nonetheless!
> 
> some good songs (sorry i only have two for this long ass fic) are DNYL and comethru, just cuz this entire thing is like a mix of both of them.
> 
> edit: hey guys! i wrote this in first person pov because back then i didn’t know how fucking annoying those fics are. if you hate that shit don’t read this. you’ve had the misfortune of clicking on one of my worst fics. if you’re here already, i also recommend NOT reading undaunted, double rainbow, or emotion novocain. i regret writing all this shit but i’m too sentimental to delete it.
> 
> alright cya kids
> 
> <3

I don’t believe in love. Young, impressionable 15 year old me might have, but now I’ve come to my senses enough to see that affection is a ruse. 

Society tells you that you must feel love when with a certain person, and thus your brain conjures up some feelings so you won’t die alone.

You must think I’m pretty sad, with a mindset like that. You would be very wrong.

I have a wonderful life. After snapping out of my “emotional” phase, I could actually get my shit under control. 

Now, look at me. I’m the famous Huang Renjun, student council president, top of my class, and I don’t even need to glance in the general direction of a book to get perfect scores on every test.

Some people may call me conceited, but they’re the same type who need to “talk to people” and “let out their feelings”. Me, I have enough IQ points to replace companionship.


	2. Chapter 2

I wasn’t always this logical, you know. It may seem shocking, but once I was idiotic enough to believe that having a boyfriend would make my life better.

I look back on the memory with nothing but pure distaste. 

Sure, it may have only been a year ago, but I promise you, I am a new man. I don’t need of that bullshit anymore. 

Up to my sophomore year, I had fallen in love. 

Multiple times.

Six times. It was six times. 

Yes, I am aware that’s pretty bad. But it gets worse. 

I wrote letters to each of them, telling them why they were *sigh* such perfect people, why I would, in the event of an apocalypse, fling myself at them so they could hold me close and whisper sweet comforts into my ears.

Screw the “in the apocalypse” part. I just wanted to fling myself at them, period. 

Sometimes, when I’m having particularly bad mental breakdowns, I dig these letters out of their tiny box in my closet, just to chide my past self and remind myself that I am a much better human being now. 

One could say it’s like bullying someone to feel better for yourself, but in this case no one gets hurt. 

That’s what I’m doing right now, if you were wondering. 

Look, when I’m tired my brain decides to pull some shit on me. 

Shut up. 

It’s not like I’m doubting myself.

Or anything. 

Just a few seconds ago, after flopping back on my bed after finally finishing my essay for history, I (with full consciousness) decided to dig the small, sad little box out of the depths of my closet.

Now I’m just sitting on my floor (door closed, can’t have Sicheng on my back about this-) with the thing open in front of me, all 6 of my letters sitting in a neat stack, untouched. 

Who’s first?


	3. Chapter 3

Mark Lee, it says, in green calligraphy. I scoff. I was so very gay. 

I tentatively pick up the envelope, complete with return address and stamps. 

Mark Lee, a senior. I had liked him when I was a freshman and he was a sophomore. 

It was a VERY intense crush. Every time I felt a breeze in the hall, created by this boy speed-walking past me in a hurry to get to his next class was punctuated by my heart racing and whipping my head around to the other side so quickly I usually ended up being slapped by an open locker next to me. 

I disgust myself. 

The second I pull the letter out of the envelope, it all comes flooding back.

It happens every time, but still feels like a new experience. 

Mark Lee. Transferred here from Canada in his freshman year. Popular. So popular. Captain of some sports-ball team (I never did have an aptitude for anything involving physical activity), tall, had light brown hair, got all the girls. 

Mark Lee was adorable. From the way he scrunched up his face when he laughed to the way he gestured so wildly with his hands when talking. Perpetually tousled hair, looked as though he had put no effort whatsoever into his appearance but was still flawless. 

I’d never actually spoken to the boy, save for a few smiles exchanged when he caught me staring, a sorry here or there if we bumped into each other. An occasional hello, if he was in a particularly good mood. 

I nearly laughed aloud, re-reading all of my extremely cringeworthy 14-year-old fantasies. 

Thank god no one will ever see this.


	4. Chapter 4

Looking back, I don’t think of it as love. I now call it.. toleration. I do tolerate some people more than others. I am human, you know. 

I neatly place the letter back into the envelope, and gently pick up the next one. 

Park Jisung, this time in blue. 

This was honestly one of my two most embarrassing crushes. Both were a year younger than me. 

Now, it felt weird thinking about them. They were both from last year, but I got over them in record speed. 

I hesitantly pull the letter out, wincing. 

Park Jisung. He would be a sophomore now. Unparalleled dancer, he even walked gracefully. Very tall. Had a super deep  
voice that Old Renjun could probably listen to for the rest of his days. Bleach blonde hair, always flawless. He was so skinny, but still ate so much. I was constantly in awe of him. 

There’s only way to say this. Jisung was HOT. He looked a few years older than me. Sexuality never confirmed, so I used to kid myself that I had a chance. He usually had headphones in, and looked so, so happy with his small group of friends. 

I had engaged in a few conversations with Jisung, probably because he and Sicheng were on the dance team together and they usually ended up at our house after practice. He’s a nice kid. Funny, polite. Too bad I was too busy thinking about kissing him. 

I shudder, and file that letter away. Next one.


	5. Chapter 5

Why do I do this to myself? 

I routinely ask myself this question after finding this note. 

Lee Donghyuck, in purple ink. 

He’s my same age, but moved away when we were in 8th grade. I had liked him in 7th, when I was still somewhat innocent. 

From what I remember, Haechan, as he liked people to call him, was a good friend. He liked soft music and leather jackets. His entire existence was an oxymoron. We were good friends. Not close enough to be best friends, but good friends. Everyone thought he was annoying, which I personally took as in insult while he shrugged it off. 

Haechan had a unique, beautiful voice. He sang like an angel, and I loved how he blushed whenever I told him that. He had reddish hair, perfect tan skin, and was around my height. 

You know, I used to miss him. He was supportive, and had a good sense of humor. Back when I needed people, I often found myself wanting to talk to him. There were certain things that I could tell only him. 

I take a deep breath. You’re stronger than this, Renjun. I quickly put the letter back, making sure that it doesn’t tear as I push it away.


	6. Chapter 6

I pick up the next one, and nearly screech aloud as I chuck it across my room, burying my face in my hands and shaking. 

This is suicide. 

After letting out a nearly silent stream of profanities, I move from my place to reach for the envelope. 

This happens every time, and yet I’m never prepared. 

In red pen, Zhong Chenle. 

Yes, you read right. The natural disaster that is Dolphin Boy. My most embarrassing crush. 

Eighth grade was rough. 

Thinking back, I don’t remember much of my reasoning for this. At least I was extraordinarily good at hiding my ‘feelings’ that year. I scan the letter to jog my memory. 

Oh god. I nearly chuck the letter away again. I still haven’t come to terms with the fact that I once liked Chenle, President Chenle, hopeful rapper, seventh grader, best friend of Jisung. 

It seems I thought his high pitched laugh was attractive. Cute, I can deal with. But that laugh? Attractive? Jeez. I guess Chenle is okay looking. Who am I kidding? I was whipped for his blonde hair and doe eyes. But it’s important to stress that that was the past. 

We took an advanced music class together, and he always ended up cracking corny jokes. It was appreciated that he attempted to lighten the mood, but there was a limit. Not to be rude, but he seemed gay. 

Well, done with that. I exhale loudly and pull out the next letter.


	7. Chapter 7

The last two are tied together with a white ribbon, because, well, to put it frankly, they’re dating. They’ve been dating since, like, fifth grade. 

Na Jaemin and Lee Jeno, in orange and silver respectively.

This crush was a mess. Not only was it an underlying crush even when I liked others, but it was my first. And last. From the second I met them, in first grade, to.. well.. I’m not sure. 

One may think it’s weird to like two people at once, not separately but.. as a pair. I sure thought it was weird. I still do. I take a deep breath. This part is always painful. I slowly pull both letters out at once.

Why do I do this to myself?

Na Jaemin, my same age, so, so nice. He was the perfect friend, protective and gentle. Sure, he did like roughhousing now and then, but who didn’t? Jaemin, with his perfect brown hair and his eyes, the way he’d always look at you while talking even when doing something else. His weird stupid noises and mannerisms that always made us laugh. The way he’d treat you like he hadn’t seen you in years every day. His aegyo. Let’s face it, Jaemin was everything. 

I blink and instantly turn to the next. It’s a reflex at this point. 

Lee Jeno. Tall, strong, probably looked intimidating but was a literal cinnamon roll. He was quiet, reading alone most of the time, but once you got to know him- Well, sometimes he wanted to be gentle and do ASMR and suffocate us with hugs and other times he felt like dancing for hours and screaming the lyrics to rap songs. Same person. He really lit up our lives with his smile. That smile. 

We all were enough for each other. It never felt like one of didn’t belong. Best friends. We were all there for one another. That is, until... 

I catch myself reddening and immediately chide myself for being so stupid. Come on, Renjun. You don’t like them anymore. You don’t need them. Move on.

Being smart alone is better than being foolish together.


	8. Chapter 8

I blink the memories out of my eyes, and begin to put the last two letters back into the box when I hear footsteps.

Sicheng. 

I drop the letters and slide the box under my bed, diving towards the bookshelf to make it look like I was doing something productive. 

When my brother opens the door slightly to peek inside, I’m lying on my bed, glasses perched on the edge of my nose, pretending to intently read the random book I snatched. 

“Lenjunnie? Are you okay?”

I glance upwards. “I’m fine, Winwin.” Forcing a smile, I turn back to the page in front of. Just fine. 

“Oh-kay...” He says, pulling away from the door and going on his way.

Crisis averted. 

Chucking my glasses off to the side, I roll off my bed and crawl back towards the letters. 

Self reflection complete. 

I put the lid back on the box and push it into the corner of my closet where it came from. 

It’s getting pretty late, and I have school tomorrow. As I climb into bed, I hear Sicheng pacing in the hall.

“Winwinnie?”

“Hmm?” He peeks inside.

“Where were you tonight? It’s pretty late.” 

He reddens ever so slightly, and I know this is going to be good. 

“Well- I was..” Sicheng trails off. I smirk. 

Maybe I should give you some background on my brother. Sicheng, but most people call him Winwin when speaking to him. He’s a year older than me, currently a senior. He’s also the one person I won’t judge for having ‘feelings’. It’s been the two of us for a while now, and I guess it’s ok if he needs someone occasionally. As long as he’s not trying to force that emotion shit into me. 

He’s the leader of our school’s dance team, a real legend. My brother is my only weakness. And quite possibly the only person I care about at this point. 

“Does this have anything to do with, say...” He reddens further. We both know where this is going. “The anime kid?” 

Sicheng pouts. “He’s not a kid, he’s older than you. And he-“

“Oh please, save me the defensiveness. Were you with him or weren’t you?” I’m not even sure if I’m teasing at this point. 

“Of course not! I was.. studying. Alone.”

“You could have studied alone at home.” Leave it alone, Renjun, his eyes beg. 

Ha, you wish. 

Sicheng throws his hands up. I’ve got to him, I know it. Or maybe not, considering he just claps his hands together and stares at me for a while, looking like the definition of “dead inside”. 

Suddenly, he turns on his heel and walks back into the hall. 

“His name is Yuta, by the way.” He calls.

Got ‘em. 

I pass out, forcing myself to suppress a maniacal laugh.


	9. Chapter 9

I managed to get myself ready and sprint out the door before the first bell, so I’m standing at my locker, pretending to organize, as I glance distastefully at the couples around me. 

Some of the seniors just have no shame, do they? Like the low-key scary dude I keep seeing, always making out with that really short transfer student. 

They’re currently going at it a few lockers down from me, to which I say ew. Get a room, will ya? Or better yet, just don’t do it at all. :)

As I shut my locker, turning around with my binders in hand, I’m greeted by none other than Mark Lee, hands behind his back and looking ridiculously uncomfortable. And ridiculously- nope, nope, not today, Renjun. 

“Hello- Is it Huang? Huang Renjun?” 

I nod, possibly too vigorously. 

Mark glances over, for a fraction of a second, at the seniors next to us. He sidesteps away from them smoothly, and I follow. 

“Look, I, uh,” The Canadian boy begins. “Like- oh shit.” He whispers. “Uhm, okay. So.. I haven’t really talked to you that much and you seem really nice and all and I think it’s cool that you like my laugh-“

I blink. “Who likes your wHAT?” My eyes flit downward to what’s in his hand. An envelope. Mark Lee, it says. In green calligraphy.

The letters.

They’re out. 

“I’m sorry,” I choke out, already walking away. “I have to go.” 

“R-Renjun..?”

I run as far as my legs will carry me, swerving into the bathroom as my vision gets more and more blurry, and eventually fades out.


	10. Chapter 10

“Renjun? H-hello? Please wake up.” The deep voice above me is filled with desperation. 

As I slowly open my eyes and feel myself regain consciousness, the first thing I see is none other than Park Jisung, an expression of pure horror on his face.

His blonde hair is nearly falling into my face. 

My breath catches. Too close. T-ooo close. 

I roll out from under him, eyes wide as I lay sprawled out on the cold tile floor. 

“Are you okay..?”

I let out a kind of “mhm” noise as I catch a glimpse of Jisung’s letter on the floor next to him. 

“Y-you passed out, you know.” 

“I know.” I sigh, and let my head hit the floor. 

“Uh- I think you’re really nice.” He starts, and I close my eyes. Please let this all be a dream. “But, uh, see, I’m kind of with some else right now-“

“I wrote that letter ages ago, okay? I don’t.. like.. anyone.” I pretend to not have caught on to the mention of him dating someone. I’m absolutely starved for gossip, but that’s a nonsensical use of my time.

It’s at moments like this that I miss Haechan. 

“Okay good, because I don’t want us to be awkward and I’m sure Chenle-“

“Chenle?!” I repeat, incredulous, propping myself up to a sitting position. No way. 

“Yeah..” He replies, with a breathy, boyish giggle. 

I nearly UWU but then I remember how completely and utterly screwed I am. 

I’m screwed to the sixth power. 

Jisung offers me a hand up, which I am grateful for. I look at him, and he smiles. 

“Friends?”

“Friends.” I breathe. I should be disgusted, but instead.. I feel.. good. As good as someone can feel when their secrets are out for the world to see. I scrunch up my nose. 

As the bell rings, the boy gives me one last smile as we dart out of the bathroom and make our way to our respective classes.


	11. Chapter 11

As I speed down the hallway, I glance around nervously for any of the recipients of my notes. 

It probably looks like I’m being impossibly paranoid, and I get more than one odd look from the girls passing by. 

And then I hear a high pitched shriek. 

See, most people would be concerned after hearing such a scream, but I was just done. 

As the maniacal dolphin laugh gets closer, I know it’s not safe for me here anymore. 

I open the nearest door and attempt to smoothly duck inside, but I end up skidding and slamming the door far too loudly. 

I glance around me to see where I’ve ended up. 

It’s pitch black. There must be a light switch around here somewhere.

I fumble around in the dark, dropping my binders on the floor next to me. 

I hear the door handle turn slowly, and stifle a gasp as I back up and shrink into the corner of what I assume is a janitor’s closet. 

The door is opened just a crack, and I shield my eyes as to not be blinded by the light from outside. 

I hear scuffling, and the door is closed. I nearly breathe a sigh of relief, and then I realize the scuffling is coming closer to me. 

I squeeze my eyes shut. There’s nothing I fear more than confrontation. 

What I get, I decide, is certainly not confrontation. 

Someone’s grabbing my face. There are lips on mine.

Someone else’s lips.

I feel my body go rigid, approximately 100,000,000 different possible reactions swirling through my head. 

I try to pull away, find the light switch, but they’re not letting me go that easy. 

I’m really scared. 

I never done this before, okay? 

Shut up. 

It only takes me 5 seconds to give in, and finally (with an internal sob) decide that I really have no choice but to attempt to enjoy my first kiss.

I want to die.


	12. Chapter 12

It’s only been, like 10 seconds, but this kiss feels like it’s been going on for a good five minutes. 

Is it always like that? 

Holy shit, will I be late to PE? 

Whoever is kissing me (slightly alarming that I still don’t know who this is-) is now wrapping their arms around my waist, abruptly pulling me closer to them.

It’s ok, our teacher never takes attendance anyways.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Not that I’m enjoying this.. Or anything. 

I’m not quite there. 

And then I remember I’m supposed to be looking for the light. Got distracted, sorry. I reach over and run my hand along the wall until I feel something. 

I hit it, hoping it’s a light switch. 

As my eyes are still squeezed shut, I see red. Hallelujah. But I’m still scared to see whoever’s in front of me. 

They break away abruptly, and I gasp. I really can’t hold my breath for long, can I? 

Finally, I open my eyes. 

SHIT. 

“J-“

“Shhhh.” He smirks, holding a finger to my lips. 

I swat it away. “WhAT are you doing in here? Shouldn’t you be with-“

“SHHH.” The smirk only intensifies as he brushes the light brown hair out of his eyes. “If it’s you, he won’t mind.”

“Seriously? That’s wrong on.. So many levels.” I nervous laugh, and hate myself for it.

“Who’s to say what’s right and wrong?” He mutters, inching closer to me. HaHA, nope, nope, not again- 

“Actually stop.”

He pouts, but backs away. 

“You have a boyfriend, you know.” I straighten my collar.

“YeaH, but he likes you too.” He leans back and smiles, leaving me torn between glaring or melting into a puddle right then and there. 

I decide on glaring. I’m not sure becoming a puddle would go over too well. 

“You haven’t spoken to me in a year-“

“Well, whose fault was that?”

“-And now you ambush me in a closet?”

“Really? ‘Ambush’ is the best word you could think of? I’d like to think I’m pretty good at what I do.” He pouts again, and I roll my eyes. 

“Shut up. Don’t come crying to me when your mans finds out and whoops your ass.”

“Ooh, kinky. He’d literally just be jealous.”

I frown. This concept is foreign to me. 

The bell rings, and I rush out of there as fast as my feet can carry me behind the excuse of “getting to class”

“It was a cute letter, L-“

I whip around, walking backwards, and flip him off. “Thanks for sexually assaulting me!” I yell.

He only grins. “Anytime. Call me if you’d like to schedule another session.”

I turn back around so he doesn’t see my stupid smile. 

“In your dreams.”


	13. Chapter 13

Gym. I freaking HATE physical activity. 

Oh, oh, guess who just got transferred into my gym class? GUESS!!!!

It’s like the universe is working against me.

They couldn’t have fixed up the problem with Chenle’s schedule in the first place? Is scheduling really that hard?

Don’t answer that. 

All I know is that our famous President Chenle is somehow in my gym class. Which is great. Confrontation.

I can see his letter sitting amongst his notebooks, and cringe. 

idontwannadothisblargh

It’s too hot for this. You could probably cook an egg all the way through on this track. 

But, alas, I mustn’t tarnish my report card with anything less than an A+, so I run. It may look like walking, but I promise it’s running. 

So I’m slow. Shut up. It’s not like I’ll ever need to run 2.2 miles when I’m an adult. 

“Renjun!” 

It was only a matter of time. I (attempt to) spring up to where Chenle is.

“What?” Ooh, that came out harsh. 

He doesn’t bat an eye. “I think you’re really cool, b-“

“But you’re dating Jisung.” I swat at him. “I don’t even like you.” Maybe I’m salty, okay? Sue me. Never asked for all this shit to happen. 

Chenle trips, but catches himself. “How do you know about that..?” He whispers.

Ooh, spicy. I never seen him like this. 

“He told me after I fainted. He got a letter too, you know.” I choke out, energy draining quickly. 

“There’s more than one letter? How many are there, exactly?”

“Six.” I smile through the pain. Surprised he didn’t comment on the fainting part. 

He stops short. “Huh. You think you’re special and then find out he wrote to five other guys.”

I slow down, panting. Literally, why can I not breathe? “Yes. I have had six crushes in my life and was stupid enough to write cute little letters to each of them. And now, a good century later, someone sent them.” 

“What’d Jisung say?”

I smirk. “Wouldn’t you like to know?” WHY am I like this today. “He said he was with you, and got all flustered and shit before proposing friendship.” My heart rate has nearly been restored to its normal speed. 

“I guess I’ll do the same thing then.” He looks off into the distance, and I nearly snort. 

“Okay.”

“Okay.” 

We run another 1.5 miles.


	14. Chapter 14

The rest of the passes fairly smoothly. I did present my history essay, and have a completely uncharacteristic nervous breakdown in the middle. 

At least that German exchange student smiled at me. And I got an A. (:

What am I saying? Literally, I became so weak in like, one day. 

The final bell rings, and I head to Student Council. You know who’s in Student Council? Yeah. Jeno. 

I rush through my weekly updates, though I can’t really focus because he keeps. smiling. at. me. This never used to be a problem before. 

As I wrap up (taking a grand total of 25 minutes, a new record), Jeno walks up. I know what to expect. 

“No, I wrote that letter a long time ago, yes, I know you’re dating Jaemin. And I’m sure you think I’m really nice, and cool, or whatever but really there’s no need for us to be discussing anything even remotely related to that stupid letter.” I look up at him. 

I’m not sure what I expected, but he just blinks and says, “Oh. That’s really not what I wanted to talk to you about, I mean, I assumed as much-“

“What did you want to say, then?”

“I just wondered what Jaemin did to you, I mean- He just said he ran into you in a closet and that really does not sound.. innocent.”

I nearly laugh aloud. “He kissed me.” 

Jeno’s expression transitions from his regular eye smile to big-eyes-mouth-slightly-open-well-slap-me-sideways-and-call-me-a-mango surprised. 

“Of course he did.” 

I- what? 

“Hmm?” I glance back to him, dropping a folder but paying it no attention.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t put off by his sudden smile. 

Jeno messes up my hair, and heat involuntarily rises to my cheeks. 

Shut up, okay? 

“Of course he would kiss you. You’re cute.” He grins.

“I’m also not your boyfriend.” I point out, semi-unhelpfully. 

He waves the letter in my face, taunting, and I feel as though I’ve been transported back a year. 

Jeno smirks, quite unlike him. “Do you want to be?”

It’s been a year since we’ve spoken, and this is what he wants to say? 

And as much as I acknowledge that both Jeno and Jaemin are actually.. good people that I would have been overjoyed with a few months ago, I can’t help but wonder why.

Why would someone do this voluntarily? 

I can’t help but be a little suspicious when someone, you know, more-than-tolerates me. I mean, are you joking? Is this funny to you? As someone who’s been the butt of the joke far too many times, I should be upset. 

But sometimes I feel like I deserve what I get. 

No one else needs to feel like this. Being alone is worth not dragging others down with you. 

I smile softly at the ground. “I don’t think you want to do that.”

“But I do!”

I nearly cut him off. “Look, this will save us all a lot of pain in the future. I don’t want to be with you, or Jaemin for that matter, because honestly? I don’t think you should do that to yourself. Soon, you’ve realized that I just saved you here.” 

I look up at him expectantly, feeling tears starting to sting my eyes. No arguments? Good. I didn’t think so. 

“You don’t deserve to be stuck with me.” I mutter quietly, turning around.

I leave a perplexed Jeno behind as I storm out, clutching my books close to my chest as tears spill down my cheeks.


	15. Chapter 15

I don’t even know why I’m crying. I never cry. 

I swerve left on my path home, disappearing amongst the trees. I know exactly where I’m going. 

Soon enough, I find myself in a clearing, the sun streaming through the canopy made by the leaves of the trees above. 

I drop my stuff off to the side and nearly collapse on the ground, surrounded by the yellow flowers that have fallen from above. 

Calm down, calm down. The tears just won’t stop coming, will they?

Why the hell am I crying? 

I sit down, burying my face in my hands. I feel soft sobs shaking my whole body. 

It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay. 

It’s at moments like this that I wish I hadn’t shut everyone out. 

As much as I might hate it, I am human. 

I wish I hadn’t told Winwin to fuck off so many times.

I wish I’d told Haechan before he left. I wish I’d let Mark finish. I wish I’d let Jisung and Chenle be my friends. 

I wish I’d kissed Jaemin back. 

I wish I’d told Jeno a big fat yes.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Help me, please. 

No. That’s not it. 

I’m torn between breaking on my own and pulling them down with me. 

I know I can’t do that. I can’t do that to anyone. 

So dying alone, I guess. I’ll accept it eventually. 

Sicheng will be getting worried. I should get home. 

I pick up my things, wipe my tears with the sleeve of my sweater, and cut through the forest to my house.


	16. Chapter 16

I glance down at the ground outside our door. Lee Donghyuck, return to sender. Well, at least that’s something.

I crack the door open, and hear loud voices. Not the scary kind. Laughing. Considering our house is usually close to silent, I assume Ten’s over. 

Ten. Terrifying Gay Thai Exchange Student TM, pocket sized for your convenience. That pretty much sums it up. 

Also, 1/2 of thAT senior couple. Yes, I like to pretend that I don’t know him when I see him at school. For obvious reasons. 

Sicheng has been attached at the hip to him since, like, forever. I’m still scared of him though.

Just a little. I crack open the door again. 

“Are you not going to tell me ANYTHING?” Comes a squeal. 

“There’s not much to tell, I mean-“ 

“Have you seen him? There’s a shit-ton to tell.”

“Yes, thank you, I have seen him.”

“Ok, so, you’ve seen him, you like him, he likes you. I’m starved for gossip. You. Need. To. Get. Laid.”

I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. 

“TEN!! WHAT- YOU- I can’t with you.”

“You never answered the question-“

“Are you insane? I’m 18!”

“That’s legal, you know.”

Maybe I should come back later.

Oh shit. I live here. I take a deep breath, and quickly dart inside. I nearly make it to the stairs when Ten notices me.

“Renjunnie! Where are you going?” 

I scuffle back to the kitchen table, trying to look innocent. 

“How was your day?”

“It was...” I trail off, glancing at Winwin. He looks uncomfortable. 

Oh goddamn. I have to kill- 

“You good?”

“Oh, yeah, I’m fine. Uh- who are you guys talking about?”

Sicheng looks mortified. “NO ONE-!”

Ten hugs him from behind, completely ignoring him. “Guess what, Lenjunnie. Your brother’s in lo-OVE!” 

“Am not!” He shrugs the shorter one off. 

Ooh, blackmail. I’m willing to put aside my.. issues for this, and quickly take a seat at the table. 

“It’s the anime kid.”

“Bruh, he just has long-ish hair and is Japanese. That doesn’t make him an anime character..!”

“Yes, yes it does.” I interject. 

Ten glances between the two of us for what seems an eternity, before standing up and declaring, “Welp, I should be going. Winwin, don’t bother texting me unless you get some.”

I’m literally right here. Underage little brother? Hello? My virgin ears can’t handle this shit.

My brother shoves Ten out the door, and turns back to me. 

“Winwin?”

“Hmm?”

“Can I talk to you?”


	17. Chapter 17

Where do I begin? There’s so much say. 

“You want to tell me why you sent those letters?” I just scared myself. 

He looks me dead in the eye. “You were going to die, all alone.” Sicheng nearly chides.

“I was doing just fine, thank you.” I reply sharply.

“Renjun, you don’t understand. You don’t understand at all. Okay? You’ve got some complex where you think people will make you weak, and you were going to eat away at yourself eventually. I’m your brother. I can’t see you like that.” Sicheng exhales deeply. 

“You think mailing out my secrets would help me?” I glare at him. 

This is not good. 

He just takes another deep breath. “It’s alright, you know. You don’t always need to be fine on your own.”

I’m desperate, my chest heaving as I feel my heart drop. “I was doing okay before this.”

“You weren’t. Don’t even argue. You weren’t. You needed someone. And if it wasn’t me, I thought maybe one of those boys could help you.”

I broke, right there. “Y-you’re right.” Millions of thoughts swirl through my head. This is a hot mess. 

I can still fix it. Maybe I can live again. 

“I have to do something.”

Sicheng nods solemnly as I race upstairs.

New Group Text:   
No Jams 😪  
Nana 🤗  
President Chenle 🐬  
Mark Lee 🇨🇦  
Mochisung Pwark 🐥

I nearly chuckle at my contact names. It’s been a while. I take a deep breath, and start typing. It’s now or never.

Can you guys help me?


	18. Chapter 18

EPILOGUE  
Four months later

“Help” says a text from an unknown sender. As my phone pings, Jeno and Jaemin lean over my shoulders. Jisung and Chenle even look over from the other side of the table.

I have no privacy, but who cares?

“Wrong number?” I wonder aloud.

“Seriously.” Another message says. “I don’t know what to do your brother is going to think i’m stupid aghhhhh”

Oop. Right number. 

We glance over, in perfect sync, to where Yuta and Sicheng are sitting, two tables down. 

Jeno is the first to snatch the phone for me. His eyes widen as he stares off into the distance, thinking. Agh, he’s so cute. 

“say nice things” He finally types, handing the phone off to Chenle.

“EYE CONTACT” I read upside down. He gives the phone to Jaemin.

“Stay calm ☆*:.｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆” He adds, grinning widely. I can’t help but smile at him.

Jisung is the last to take the phone, quickly typing, “Don’t text under the table just give him your full attention :)”

Despite being the youngest, he’s undoubtedly the best at this out of all of us. 

“Go get ‘em.” I finish, shutting off the phone as we all glance once more (we’re so subtle) towards their table. 

Yuta places his phone on the table, looking to Sicheng, smiling the way he does. He says something, and Sicheng blushes wildly, giggling.

“Mission accomplished.” Chenle turns back to us, giving Jisung a high five. 

These children, I-

“We should probably go and give them some privacy.” Jeno says. 

We all murmur in agreement, and soon we’re walking down the dimly lit sidewalk to one of our houses. We haven’t figured that part out yet, but where’s the fun if you plan everything out? 

My phone rings loudly and I jump. 

“Hello?” I have it on speaker, as one must with this group of people. 

“hiiii reNjuNnn” *hic*

Mark. 

“Johnny again?” Jisung stifles a laugh. 

“LoOk, hE sAiD iT wAs aPpLe jUicE.”

Jaemin frowned, looking genuinely concerned. “And you believed him?”

“What does he even get out of getting his brother drunk?” Chenle interjects. 

“Blackmail.” Jisung replies, cackling at the horrified expression on Jeno’s face.

“wHy did i EvEn cAlL y’AlL-“

“You’re drunk and alone.” I interject helpfully, to which Jaemin frowns. 

“oH WAIt!” Mark screeches, accompanied by some shuffling and Johnny’s muffled laughter. “i rEmEmbEr!”

“Congrats.” Chenle sighs.

“yOu kNow thAt *hic* thE kId fRom SiXtH gRaDe?”

“Whomst-“

“thE THAT ONE WHY DONT YOU REMEBER HIM-“

Silence.

“yEah ThAt one. tElL h-“

A lightbulb or something goes off in Jaemin’s mind. “Mark, we haven’t spoken to Donghyuck in-“

Jeno cuts him off sharply. “Shh- he’ll cry.”

It is a truth universally acknowledged that Mark Lee is basically a toddler when drunk.

Meaning, hell yeah he’s gonna cry. 

“tELL hiM i sHouLd hAVe lEt hIm kIsS mE iN SixTh grAde bEcaUse nOw I’M sEveNteEn aNd sAd aNd aLone-“

“And drunk!” Jisung grins, and I give him a well-deserved whack.

He pouts and Chenle screeches. 

You can literally SEE the uwu he’s radiating. 

Might I just say, MOOD.

Jeno, however, seemed to actually have been paying attention. “He.. kissed you? In sixth grade?”

Well, I’d be lying if I said that didn’t kind of hurt. Speaking as the dude who’s first kiss had happened junior year of high school.

“hE *hic* tRiEd To. BuT i tOlD hIm To StAHp cUz thAt’S gAy ANd nOw I-“

The line was cut off abruptly, leaving me clutching a now black-screened phone.

“Well, that was interesting.” Jaemin laughed, breaking the silence as he grabbed both me and Jeno by the arms.

Interesting, but unusual.

You know, sometimes I wonder what got us to this point. 

But maybe it’s better to not think about the past. I don’t know. 

I guess I’ll just enjoy the moment. 

I lock arms with Jaemin as we continue down the street in the dark, the sound of our laughter the only thing we hear.

I used to not believe in love.

Now, it’s all I need.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading! i know the summary is a little weird and this entire fic was trash, but thank you! this took quite a while and idk man i’m still not satisfied with it but it’s something so.. yeah. i know it was really long too lmao sorry about that- but yeah. everyone who reads this means the world to me and yeah ive never been too good with words but i’m tired and sleep deprived so i can’t thank y’all enough. ok i’ll shut up now have a good day/night y’all
> 
> edit: HOLY FUCK THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR 700+ READS YOU GUYS LITERALLY JUST MADE MY WHOLE YEAR


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